I’m also aware that there are many much better and humorous blogs out there - I started this one mainly as somewhere to get crap out of my head…it wasn’t supposed to become all about Twilight, but somehow 95% of the posts here are.
Unfortunately this blog I need to write is neither humorous or about Twilight. It’s a sad blog…saying goodbye to someone dear to me, someone I considered a friend…someone I hope thought of me as a friend when he saw me and someone I wish I had seen more recently, now that I can’t ever see him again…or at least not for some time.
Perhaps I should go back to the beginning so as you can understand this blog. Back in I think…1997 I was bored and depressed after some things that happened to me personally…I was also feeling lost and empty. To cheer myself up I decided to go see a couple of concerts - Backstreet Boys and Boyzone. That was the first and only time I saw BSB….I went on to see Boyzone live a further 40 times - making it 41 in total.
I had liked some of their music before, and it was obvious after that first concert that I became a fan. As most fans of a boy band, we all have our favourites…and I found a fondness for Stephen Gately - I don’t what it was about him, he was cute, sweet and funny….and we had a lot in common - I felt a kindred spirit in him. I first met him at Heathrow airport that same year - sometime in the summer of 1997.…I think I was actually in London at the time for a few days to see Michael Jackson in concert…and spent one of the days I was in London then to go follow Boyzone around and try to meet them.
How ironic that the first time I met Boyzone and Stephen Gately was also the last time I saw Michael Jackson?
After that, I can honestly say that I lost count of the number of times I met Stephen….every Boyzone tour, all his solo promotion work, some band promo work…I don’t know how many times I met him…countless. It got to the stage where I would never have to go over to him, he would see me and he’d come over, give me a hug and ask me how I was doing. Always, always, always so kind and beautiful to me. Never once was he mean to me or got annoyed with me or anything. ..or if he did he never showed it! Meeting him became more like meeting an old friend again than meeting a pop star.
We would tease one another and speak the truth to each other. I have some beautiful fond memories of him. One of my favourites is me and a couple of friends sat in the same hotel bar after a concert, with Stephen crouched by my chair chatting to me and Keith sat on the chair next to me chatting to a friend - all very normal, down to earth stuff….and that night means the world to me. Heck, my friend and I have relived it every time we spoke for years after!!
I will confess to having a bit of a rough time of it when he came out, because…I didn’t know - yes I had heard rumours and the talk of people, but I never once believed it - people tend to believe what they want to I have discovered. So, I was hurt when he came out and revealed he also had a boyfriend at the time. I felt such a fool and so many conflicting emotions. But through it all I never ever stopped loving him or caring about him….it was only a couple of days for me to realise he was exactly the same guy I loved and cared for before I knew…and things never really changed for me with him.
I think one of the sweetest things about Stephen is that he knew I had struggled with it and been a bit upset….and he seemed to accept that and maybe appreciate that I was still around afterwards. I can’t explain it, but he never once flaunted it in my face (but then Stephen was very probably the ungayest gay guy I knew!) and he knew I didn’t really like his boyfriend and wouldn’t flaunt that around me either, but he never had a problem with that (incidentally, this is the boyfriend he was with at the time that I never liked because I never thought he was good enough for him - Andrew came later and I never had an issue with him at all!)
The last time I saw Stephen to speak to was September 2007. He was in the theatre production of Godspell, appearing only an hour from me, so I went to see him. The play itself was weird and not my cup of tea - but he was wonderful as always. Afterwards I was sat in the lobby of the theatre just waiting for someone who was in the bathroom, when Stephen exited from the dressing room. I wasn’t trying to meet him and he saw me before I saw him. He gave me his usual big hug and we chatted for a bit, catching up as it had been awhile since I’d seen him - he insisted on a photo and I’m SO grateful that he did…and he even made me walk outside with him to chat some more as he waited for his cab. It was just such a lovely meeting because it was unplanned.
After that myself and a friend were supposed to see the show when it moved on to another city - but after those appearances near me, he left the show for some reason and we never got to go again. Perhaps it was kismet that I managed to see him when I did.
And then Boyzone got back together and although I had moved on to other things since and their music wasn’t really the style I was into anymore, a friend talked me into going to 6 shows!! I moaned about it at the time, we had some issues and I felt it was a lot of money doing something I wasn’t all that bothered about anymore. I never got to meet Stephen during this tour, I was close to him once after a show, but he never looked up and saw me and I’m not pushy enough. The only time he saw me was when I was hanging around the back exit in Manchester with my friend who wanted to wait for them. Stephen came out in the car and he saw the fans waiting on the pavement - he waved, but when he noticed me and my friend, the waving increased and he just had the biggest grin on his face - it was an adorable moment - it had been months and he still recognised me!
Now I am grateful that I was talked into that tour I complained about. I’m glad I got to see him live again. And I regret not going to any of their shows this year…something I will have to live with. Because…now he’s gone. Stephen died suddenly last month, aged just 33 from an undetected heart problem - SADS.
It’s hard to talk about. I’m fine talking about the old times, about my memories and happy times. That way I keep him alive, he’s not left me - he will always live on in my memories and in my heart, because a piece of that will always belong to him, forever more.
Losing him so suddenly was a devastating shock. I might not have been ‘in love’ with him as I once thought I was, but I always cared and I loved him and I though of him as a buddy. He was my sweetheart….like that one boyfriend you break up with but never truly get over, they stay with you always - Stephen was like that to me.
This isn’t simply about losing a favourite singer or someone you admire….Stephen was SO much more to me than that and it’s probably hard for people to understand apart from those friends who were with me and around at the time Boyzone were huge. It was different between me and him, we had this connection of sorts and I once believed he was my soul mate - however stupid that might sound. And I had grown to think of him as a friend - I mean, he even used to tell me when he got my letters and thank me for them - how many famous people would do that or even be able to tell who a letter was from? I like to think I was more than a fan to him.
He was just always such a sweetheart. And I think he was (it stings to use the past tense) but he was very probably the kindest most lovely guy I will ever have the pleasure of meeting.
Michael Jackson was my childhood hero and my first real crush. But Stephen was my buddy. My little sweetheart and I will miss him always. I don’t think it’s ever going to seem real to me…I don’t think I’ll ever get used to knowing he’s not out there somewhere doing something. And…I just always assumed I would see him again some day…something would happen where our paths crossed again and we’d have another hug and a chat and catch up - like old friends. And now, I know it won’t.
It’s hard and it’s tragic and it’s SO unfair! I can’t understand how someone as kind and beautiful and sweet as he was get’s taken far too young, and we have complete assholes running free - it doesn’t make sense to me. I doubt it ever will.
I won’t ever forget you Stephen and I will cherish every moment you spent with me, every second I got to share moments in your life. I will love him always - a piece of my heart will always belong to him and he’ll forever be alive in my memories.
RIP Stephen…my sweet buddy…my shooting star lighting up the dark sky with your smile.
Claire xx
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