I mean, it’s amazing...it’s like Jackson Rathbone overload right now - we have new photo shoots, Eclipse clips, Last Airbender clips, Eclipse stills, Last Airbender stills, countless interviews for both movies, movie award show appearances, new 100 Monkey music and shows, convention appearances and now these signing events in promotion.
But, I think perhaps I am becoming just a little overwhelmed with it all. Or maybe it is just pure jealousy that ALL of this is happening in America and fans in America are getting the chance to see him and meet him. Over here I just see the results of all this - photos of others meeting him and everything he’s doing and bugger all over here as usual…and I just want to cry!!
I lie, I have ALREADY cried over it.
Because…it just seems SO unfair and I’m a selfish moo and I wanna meet him so very very bad!! I don’t really know why that is, but I have this need or crazy want that is so strong it’s driving me nuts! I haven’t wanted to meet anyone as bad as him in such a long long time.
And…these days I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I am losing all hope of him ever coming to our shores for whatever reason. And with no one to travel to the US with, going over there simply to see him wouldn’t be easy. Sure, I could make it a city he’s in and all that, but how do you hunt him out alone when you don’t know the city or the transport system or anything? Not to mention a huge risk…what if I spend all that money and I didn’t get in to a signing. Or he cancelled the convention at the last minute. Or they didn’t do a M&G after a show and had to rush off?! I think I would be even more heartbroken, trying so hard and spending all that money for nothing!
And…I just, I want to cry. I want to scream and throw tantrums. I want to sulk just because I can’t meet him. Because he’s beautiful and I adore him and think he’s pretty damn amazing. All I want is a few seconds of his time to tell him I think he’s amazing.
I want one of his smiles that’s just for me and…yeah, we know we want more, but we also know that’s not gonna happen!!
Last night I dreamt about him - again! I was at a 100 Monkeys gig and I was near the front. There was one part where his cardigan or something dangled off the stage and got caught between my legs(don’t ask!) and we were all very flirty with each other. And then the next thing I knew I had won the opportunity for a one on one meeting with him and I went off to this huge room to go see him. Only then I discover that it wasn’t just me - feckin’ Nina and her silly friend Gillian were there too. And I was SO mad because I didn’t want them there - I wanted them to stay away from my man!!
Jackson signed things for me - about 3 things I think he scribbled on and he was lovely. But - surprise surpsise, Nina hogged him and all his attention…..she was all over him and it just made me sick!! I got so upset and not anyone noticed. In the end I believe I left the room and went to find someone to ask if I could just go back to my seat. And then I found myself in a room with Jared, moaning to him about what happened and how upset I was and how much I loved Jackson and that I thought he was amazing and how long I’d been a fan and that those other two had never even liked him anyway. He was really sweet and just listened to me rant on and took me to meet the rest of the band.
After that I think I woke up, because I don’t remember anything else. But…I was SO annoyed because I know if that if I ever did get to meet him when she was around, that is what would happen! She would be the selfish bitch and hog all his attention and all that and not give a shit about me or how I felt or that he was an important person to me - because she does that - she‘s done it to me many times in the past! For her it’s just about meeting someone ‘famous’ - no matter who they are. Not just the ones she has feelings for or admires - if they’re ‘hot’ (in her opinion) and famous at all - she’ll want to meet them and steal all their attention and be selfish bitch!
Even in my dreams I can’t get what I want. I can’t have him their either…..and it all just sucks and I am just going to cry and become a miserable cow about it all because I am fed up of everything!!
Why the fuck can my heart not learn it’s lesson - stop striving for the unobtainable and settle already!
xC
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