So, someone made a little comment to me today. Something innocent and probably meant to be kind and stuff. But…it made me cry. See, she was telling me how Jackson had just said he was single on some interview i.e. on the live stream of the Teen Choice Awards - which I couldn’t watch because my PC got infected with a major ass virus and got all buggered up - so it’s in the shop right now getting fixed and probably costing me a small fortune!! We won’t go into how pissed off I am about it all. So, I currently only have my rather old, noisy, smashed screen (from a fit of temper a few years ago!) and incredibly slow laptop as a back up. I can’t ever remember it being this slow, so heck knows what it’s problem is - probably needs fixing too - as well as the smashed screen! And well…this thing can barely cope with logging on online for a few minutes - would probably explode if I tried to watch a live stream on it!!
But I digress. Anyways, as I was saying, Jackson said in an interview he was single (I already knew that - he said in a concert the other day he was still looking for his first ex-wife - nice!!) and she told me to go get him! I said I wish it was that easy, but he’d never look twice at me. She told me to shut up and that I was a wonderful person. And then I replied that it didn’t really matter because it was highly unlikely I was ever going to get to meet him anyways, let alone convince him to fall for me. So, she was all like yeah, but you deserve a Jackson.
Obligatory Jackson shot!
I know what she meant. She didn’t mean that I should have Jackson Rathbone as such - even though I would very possibly kill for the chance with him….or at least to get to know him personally. But she meant (or I think she did) that I deserved to find that one man who made me feel the way he does, but who returned my feelings. That I deserved love and someone to care for me, to be with someone.
And it just made me cry. Because, damnit - when is it my turn? When will someone fall for me, offer me some love and affection whom I’m not blood related to? Do I not deserve that? I just feel as though all the time I am throwing my love and time and effort at people who don’t want it or care or even know it’s there. And I get nothing in return. I just end up disappointed and a little more hurt and cynical each time.
The way I feel a lot of the time…unloved and uncared for.
Everyone tells me that I’m lucky being single and that I don’t have to put up with a man. That I can do what I want and I don’t have the hassle they do. And sometimes I agree with them. I can do what I want and not have to answer to anyone…I can go to silly conventions, put posters on my wall, fantasise about men, disappear to the cinema and all that crap. But, what happens when that is all over? What happens when I want the fantasies to be real? What happens when I’m alone in my bed night after night, crying? When I want someone to hold me, to love me and let me know I matter.
Surely I deserve someone to love me. I want to know what it’s like in a real relationship, not this one sided unrequited love that sucks and hurts and makes you feel so rejected all the time. I want something back. Can someone please tell me, when is it my turn? Am I not due a break sometime soon? Am I meant to be perpetually alone and become the crazy old cat lady that I fear? Is that my destiny? Is that all there is?!
This will be me one day - I swear!!
But then who am I kidding? I barely have any friends that like me…a tiny baby handful that I don’t get to see or speak to very much at all because of bloody geography. Heck, we’re talking probably one or two friends here - forget the handful. How can I expect some guy to love me if my friends walk away from me?
Perhaps I should just give up now. We all know that hope just causes heartbreak. So…maybe I don’t deserve my ’Jackson’….maybe I don’t deserve anyone and I am meant to have no one. This is it for me…better get on with it!!
Me…right now (well, not exactly because I don’t have that figure or anything, but the alone thing!)
xC
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