Isn’t it ironic…..don’t you think?

I went into work this morning where a couple of the girls were mid conversation about weddings and getting married. One of them is married, one of them has been engaged to /living with/child with a guy for a number of years.

The unmarried one claimed that she never wants to actually get married and doubted they ever would. She said she doesn’t see the point in spending that much money just for one day and would rather do up the house or have a holiday, and she hates being the centre of attention anyway. The married one said that she hated being the centre of attention and knew a lot of friends who said they never wanted to get married.

My sister, has been engaged to her partner for at least 9 or 10 years now - I know my nephew was still small at the time. They have 2 children together and have lived together for almost 11 years. And yet I doubt they will ever get married. They say they think about it, they even went as far as looking at a date and venues once…then I can’t remember why but cancelled it all (think they decided to go on holiday and couldn’t afford both!)

And then there’s me. The eternal single, older sister. The invisible reject left on the shelf. The girl terrified of becoming that crazy old cat lady but who already fears she’s half way there. I’ve never had a true boyfriend, never really had a relationship. Oh, I’ve had crushes, had fantasies…been madly in love with people (or thought so at the time!) who turned out to be gay. Been rejected, ignored, humiliated and just plain unwanted and unlovable.

And yet I’m the girl who knows exactly what she wants for her wedding. I’m the girl who drew pictures of her wedding gown as a child (and incidentally enough when I found them recently they are still pretty much the design I would choose today!) I’m the girl who constantly played weddings with her Barbie dolls, used the bedspread and my mum’s silk flowers to play weddings with my sister.

I actually want to feel special for a day, to be the centre of attention for a little while and to have an excuse to wear a huge beautiful dress.

I know what music I want to walk down the aisle too. I know that I only want a small wedding with immediate family and close friends (so that would be about 2 friends then going by my current standards) I want black and red roses around the room, I want white candles and fairy lights. I pretty much know my bridesmaid (the only one I’d have would probably be my niece - my friends don’t like me enough!) but she would be dressed in lilac of purple. I’d have Italian food and no tacky DJ - a nice classy band.

And yet I’m also the girl who’s growing rather dusty on this shelf. The one getting left behind. The one without the partner…without a lover…the one no one wants.

It’s rather ironic really. And I am such a dreamer!

xC



P.S. I also know the names of my babies I have yet to conceive…babies that may never happen if my biological clock runs out soon!