The blog where I'm an idiot....again!!

So, yeah…I’m an idiot. Yes, again!! A big pathetic, foolish, silly little girl!!

No matter what I had been telling myself about Jackson probably never doing a UK convention. That he would never be a guest because he’s just too busy etc etc. Or that perhaps I didn’t even want him to be either, because I don’t share my man!! I was deluding myself, because underneath all that crap I think I had worked myself up to really believe he would be announced as a guest at ET5 in a couple of weeks.

When I read just over a week or so ago that he’d cancelled a convention appearance in San Fran because of filming, I kind of figured that was that then…how was it possible he’d be available just 10 days later to come here. I got a bit upset about it all, sulked and I thought I had given up hope then. But obviously there was still that small glimmer fighting to stay lit.

At least until 100 Monkeys posted on Twitter a new date for a new show in LA….the feckin’ same weekend as ET5. And…I cried, I literally burst into tears because I know now that’s it, he isn’t coming!! And I think what’s worse is, if they’ve scheduled a date then and tickets are on sale, he would have been available that weekend, or is planning to be. And, I’ve gotten so miserable about it all and cried and…felt a complete and utter prat for ever hoping.

Even now, that little glimmer that was snuffed out tries to relight itself with me thinking, well, they have performed without Jackson occasionally before…a very few times admittedly when he‘s unexpectedly working elsewhere or something. And then I mentally slap myself and remind me to just give up on hoping ever again because it only ever leads to disappointment!!

I’m not even entirely convinced the band will make it out here this year at any point for a few shows either. Jackson seems to have more and more movies on the go as well as about 373920 other projects. Will he ever have time? Not to mention the financial factor and logistics in a UK tour and everything else. I just think it’s maybe a dream of there’s and it will just never pay off because I’m just not that lucky anymore. I’ve used up my quota for this lifetime and it’s time to give up now.

I just maybe thought something nice might happen to me. That I was about due a damn break!! Because, I mean, the first 6 weeks of this year have been awful!! And in all honesty in the past 13 months or more my best moment was winning a bloody piece of second hand clothing in an auction that cost me £300!! It wasn’t even luck that got me it….it was just determination and the willingness to spend obscene amounts of cash on it!!

Since Christmas I have been ill somehow or another. I’ve had raging tooth ache on and off, dental infections on and off that make me feel incredibly down and generally ill with tonsillitis like symptoms and totally off it. And it’s costing me a damn fortune at the dentist! And I have more to go through yet when I have to go get the damn thing pulled at the hospital!! I burnt my bloody leg with a mug of tea. I am tired ALL of the time - so damn tired I have no energy for anything. I quit my afternoon job and daren’t tell my Dad I only have 2 more weeks there…and it all just sucks!!

And then a work colleague had her baby last week. For months at work the whole conversations have been about babies, pregnancy and birth - what with Alice and then Dawn before her both falling pregnant. And I’ve about had it…seriously!! Excluded from all conversations around me just because I haven’t had that luck as they go on and on about it. And then after Alice gave birth and everyone was all excited as though she were the only woman to ever have had a baby in the entire history of the universe….I just can’t feel it!! Yes, it’s great for her and I’m glad for her that everything went okay and I wish her well with her new baby son. But…I find it hard to get excited about someone else having a baby, especially someone not really close to me, when I’m desperate for my own and know it’s highly unlikely to ever happen for me now. I shall never know that experience or the joy of motherhood and it makes me so sad. When they were talking about it in depth on Friday (since Dawn was Alice’s birthing partner) I felt myself tearing up….because it’s just not gonna happen for me and it’s all so unfair!!

So, yeah…I kind of thought I was about due in the being happy and having something exciting happen department….and I thought I was going to get to meet Jackson soon. But no - apparently the universe hates me and I am being punished for something I don’t know that I’ve done and I’ve had enough!! I’m just merely existing here…do I get to live again at any point?!?! Because right now my life seems pointless and empty.

xC