I know perhaps people will tell me it’s my own fault because I don’t get in touch with them or something. And yes, I can accept that maybe some of it is and I’m my own worst enemy. But…most of the ‘contacts’ I still have - email addys and such for are people that I was once huge friends with but for one reason or another we have drifted apart, have nothing in common with anymore or they just don’t want to be bothered with me or know what to say to one another anymore. I realise that life gets busy - we all have this reality thing to live on a day to day basis and I’m as guilty for that as anyone - esp in the last year when I’ve been working 2 jobs and my life seemed to consist of work, sleep, eat.
But…why should it all be down to me? They don’t bother to get in touch with me either. So, are they not at fault too? And I can’t really pin down why some drifted apart and we lost touch or anything…I know I moved onto other things, that didn’t interest them. I know perhaps I talk too much about those things that don’t interest them. But…doesn’t that then mean we were never really ‘true’ friends, just people who had a common interest and enjoyed talking about that until it was over for one of us?! I suppose so….and maybe moving on and drifting apart is just the norm for that scenario.
And perhaps I’ve built too many walls around myself, keep people at arms length these days and don’t really let people in anymore because I have been so hurt by people I thought were my true friends in the past, that I try to protect myself now. I know, it’s not helping. But every damn time I thought I had an amazing friend…they finished up screwing me over or just disappear on me and stop speaking to me. Perhaps it’s just me?! Having managed to chase so many friends off, there must be something wrong with me!
And let me tell you, a Christmas card once a year and a gift sent out of the blue when you’ve not spoken to me in years is not a friendship. Sometimes, most of the time, all I really want to do is have a chat with someone…pour my heart out and just have someone listen to me and offer advice or just bloody sympathise or try to understand or something. And…I don’t have that at all these days. The only people I seem to speak to these days are those I’m related to or people I work for. And…besides my Mom, those chats are, well rather insignificant - the likes of discussing the weather, what you watched on TV last night or cooking skills!! Or, if I do get a decent talk - it‘s usually all their issues and not a lot of what I want to talk about and it‘s all rushed and needs to be condensed within half an hour something. I have no one with whom to discuss the dilemma’s I find myself in, the advice I want, the heart pouring crap I need to get out of my head sometimes that you can just spill to a really good friend. And, sometimes, I can’t tell my Mum everything.
I realised the other day, that if Tamsin hadn’t been with me at the convention the other weekend, I would have spent the entire weekend alone!! Yes, people came up and said hi, a few brief words and then they went off again. Said hello in the corridors on passing, had a brief chat about an experience or something. But…they never hung around for a proper chat or really cared about the answer when asking if I was alright or anything. I think I told bloody Michael Welch more of my issues than so called friends….poor guy!!
The only friend I have is Roz…but even then it’s not the best of relationships. Just because there’s such a huge distance between us (geographically speaking!) and we only ‘speak’ in emails every couple of weeks or something. And, she’s busy with her family, her local friends, her home and kids and all that - which is understandable and everything. Just…sometimes I feel so lonely and want a chat with someone who actually cares about what I’m talking about…or can at least understand or relate to what I mean without me having to spend half an hour explaining something first. But, Roz doesn’t always have the time for that in an email and tends to miss a lot of points and questions I ask. I know it’s hard to really ’chat’ in an email anyway - you don’t get that persons tone or anything and you often read an email then reply a few days later and forget what they typed (except I usually copy and paste it into word, so I go through it again and answer everything - but maybe I am just anal!) I just sometimes find myself pouring out my heart in an email, needing to speak to someone about things…wanting comments on it or something, and eventually I get a short email back that never even mentions what I was on about or comments on it or anything….and I just wonder why I bothered spending 2 nights typing an email - may as well speak to my diary or something!!
A lot of the time I find myself with so much crap going around in my head and no one but my mind to talk to about it all. Sometimes I maybe don’t even know how to say some of the stuff I have going on in my head…and there’s no one there to notice I’m struggling with things and to ask and really care about the answer, as to whether I’m okay. I just…I feel alone and unwanted by people, like I’m an annoyance. I feel as though I have to edit what I want to say and talk about, because they don’t care.
And I have tried to make new friends….really I have. There was someone I was speaking to regularly on face book who was really nice and we seemed to get on really well. Only apparently she didn’t realise how old I was (hardly a secret - it’s on my damn profile!) and when she discovered, she stopped speaking to me. There is the strange person that is Kate who is occasionally all over me on MSN and everything, bugged me at the con last year when she was alone and now….isn’t speaking to me at all for some bizarre reason. Even though she claimed she would help when I said I was really miserable a few weeks ago. Thanks for that - not speaking to me at all is helping a great deal…you should be a therapist! Never mind, I suppose I have been a bitch about her before. And then there’s ‘friends’ who log into msn and seconds later they have disappeared, as though they have blocked me quickly so they don’t have to speak to me.
I even tried to reach out to a group of 100 Monkeys fans. They had posted this suggestion of a fan meet up, so people could get to know each other before a possible tour later this year. So I thought yay, I don’t know any other fans or anyone who likes their music at all…be cool to find some new friends! So, I posted a reply that I would be up for a meet up with people. I was basically told that perhaps I should go to this other site and post there!! How feckin rude!! It was not a fan meet up at all - it was a meet up for people who already know each other online and any outsiders can sod off!! Signed up to a 100 Monkey/Jackson fan forum too…wrote a huge introduction thing and all that….one person replied to me and then nothing ever happened with it. No one else seemed to sign up and they just continued chatting amongst themselves.
So…when that crap keep happening to me, when I feel rejected all the time, unwanted and unliked…there is no feckin wonder I feel so lonely and friendless much of the time. Why the hell bother reaching out to new people when they just don’t want me around? There’s only so much rejection a girl can take, after all!
xC
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