The One where I need to get a grip!!

I totally need to get a grip!! And grow up…or some such shit!! WHY am I such an idiot?!

See…I read this…rumour, whatever, that Jackson was seen kissing Ashley after the latest 100 Monkeys gig in LA last weekend. The rumour made out that it was more of a romantic kiss than him just being friendly. And….my heart dropped…literally, I felt it thud to my feet!!

And that is why I’m so pathetically ridiculous that there’s not even a word invented for what an utter tit I am!! Because….I can never ever have him. I know that. Despite all my delusional fantasies. He would not ever be interested in me, I’d probably never even meet him for more than five seconds, if at all. And we’ve been here before - I never get what I want!! My life is not a fairytale - this is the big realistic sucky world. And yet…I got all upset and moody about it. Even though if he was going to be with anyone, I actually wouldn’t mind him dating Ashley.

It’s the epitome of my new mantra. ‘It’s one thing to accept you can’t have someone. It’s another thing entirely to realise that someone else can.’ And when that someone is never going to be you…when you know that one day the object of your affection (no matter how delusional those affections are) IS going to be with someone else…and happy, as they deserve to be. Well…it’s gonna hurt…because you never quite let them go, no matter what.

I think some of it is just me wanting to be loved. Wanting someone to want me. And right now Jackson is my only…focus I guess. I mean…he’s the only man I feel anything for and so even my dumb fantasies about him is better than feeling nothing for anyone. Sometimes I think my heart starts to believe it all though and that’s when we get into trouble. My heart has issues with listening to my head - they ignore one another far too much!! Stubborn little gits!!

And then when a later post said, okay, we saw the pics and it was just a friendly kiss and they apologised for spreading gossip….my heart fluttered again. I felt that tiny glimmer of hope return. And then called myself an utter prat again!! Because it means NOTHING! Nothing at all - I still can’t have him, he’s still never gonna be mine. One day he is going to be someone else’s and I’ll have to get on with living this half a life and look back on all ‘my nevers‘…men I wanted who were never ever destined to be mine!!

*sigh* One day I might learn and get it right….might being the operative word here! One day my good might just be good enough for someone…
 
xC