Half the woman I thought I would be

You know, in my infinite youthful wisdom, I never once thought my life would turn out this way. I never thought I’d be where I am today…this wasn’t what I envisioned as a small child playing brides with my sister, playing Barbie dolls…dreaming. And yet, here I am.

Totally alone…or at least I feel that way the majority of the time. I have my Mum and I have my cats and I’m learning that perhaps they are the only living beings in my life who actually want, love and need me there. I’m dispensable to everyone else - taken out of the box when I can be of some use, shoved back in when that use is done with.

I don’t have that one friend anymore that I can share everything with. I don’t have anyone who truly ‘gets me’. I don’t even have…and I’m not sure I ever have had, a single friend willing to do anything with me…go away together, go to a concert, just hang out and laugh. It’s been such a long long long time since I have sat with an old friend and just laughed…and I miss that! I miss girly nights, girly weekends. These days I find myself doing everything alone…just being all alone.

Oh, sometimes I like my own company - I admit that. Sometimes I actually like to be on my own. And then sometimes I’m almost afraid I could use lose the use of my voice when I can go days and not speak to anyone…apart from my cats and my Mum when she’s home. And yet, even then there’s so many things I can’t talk to my Mum about…things I’m confused with. *sigh* I dunno.

Is anyone ever going to love me? Am destined to fall for the gay man, the man I can never ever have, the famous guy who wouldn’t like twice at me forever more? Are the only people I attract going to be weirdoes and the complete imbeciles of this world? Am I worth nothing more than that? What on earth did I do wrong to people in a former life?! Because karma is kicking my ass now.

I keep trying to reach out to old friends…but they don’t seem to want to know. I send them birthday cards and put little notes in about meeting up - they completely ignore me! I bumped into an old friend the other week…hadn’t seen her in well over a year and all she wanted to tell me was that she was pregnant again. I wasn’t sure how to take that, why was she so desperate to tell me? Especially after not seeing her in so long? To rub it in? to make me jealous? How did she expect me to react? She probably thought I was being a cow anyways - since the whole few minutes was awkward and I wasn’t myself - I was still in shock over Michael’s passing and didn’t feel like being excitable that a girl who I haven’t seen in about 18 months was having another baby…when I have nothing.

I have no social life to speak of. I do things alone or with my mum occasionally. Not even my sister can be bothered to spend any time with me. The only ‘friends’ I speak to are via email…or sometimes on MSN - but then I know they don’t have long online, so the whole thing is rushed and I don’t tell anyone half of what I want to because they don’t have time for me.

I know that I’m my own worst enemy. I know I’m shy and socially awkward. I know that I have probably chased half of my friends away for whatever reason (I still can’t work it out - must just be me!) and most of the time…a lot of the time, especially recently I have come to terms with that. It’s just the way things are for me…I am simply just meant to be alone in this lifetime - they say that you keep coming back to earth until you have experienced every life experience - so this is mine this time. It sucks…but there it is! I just get on with things most of the time…there’s worse stuff that can happen, right?

But then…sometimes I just so totally alone and rejected and unwanted by everything in life - sometimes feels like the world doesn’t want me…let alone anyone else. I don’t handle rejection well - maybe that’s why I’ve closed myself off - been hurt too much and don’t want it anymore. And I know the past couple of weeks I’ve just felt….well, I can’t be bothered with anything - I can’t get the passion together for anything anymore. I’m not sure if it’s the end of term blues/tiredness. Whether I’m coming down with something…it’s the time of the month or I’m just totally devastated by the loss of Michael Jackson - none of that still seems real to me. I dunno what’s wrong with me - I’m just a lonely mess who can’t talk to anyone about anything anymore because I don’t have anyone…

xC